Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
