i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
