i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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