I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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