My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
