i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
