what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
