Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
