That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
