I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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