no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
