Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
