I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ketchup is God's man juice
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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