I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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