Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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