I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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