good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Randomize
