the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
