The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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