You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
