Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
