turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
