so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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