Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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