I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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