Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm jealous of your bromance
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
