I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
