I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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