you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
In America we eat man semen.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
