This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
