I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
