So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
