Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
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He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
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All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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