this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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