the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
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Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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