Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
