your room smells of hookers.
And success
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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