we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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