I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
