non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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