my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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