You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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