If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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