Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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