I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
