Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
