dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
