Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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