I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
