I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
