I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
