He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
