HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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