Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
