I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
