You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
